The child we met in China was crazy active, had virtually no English skills, and pounced on Ryan and I with more hugs, wet kisses and "I love you"s than we were ready for. We were expecting a grieving, angry, tantruming child, and what we got instead was a hyper, happy, loving boy living on high alert every second of the day. It was difficult to get to know this new person in our lives, to try and see through the cultural differences, orphanage behaviors and defense mechanisms to the "real boy" within, much less to feel like he was really our son. But time has changed so much of that. I can now say that I love Kai as much as my other children - he is no longer "my newly adopted child", he is just my son. I remember that "getting to know you" stage with Abigail's birth and with Paul's adoption, but with Kai it was even more pronounced, as he was so much more independent and capable and really didn't "need" us in the same was as a newborn or two year old does. I knew it would get better with time, and I am so relieved that it is already happening so quickly.
With that said, there have still been so very many "firsts" we have experienced with Kai the past few months. Many of them were in China - first hotel, first pizza, first tooth fairy visit, first airplane ride. Here too we've had a first visit to see Santa, first Christmas with presents, first time decorating a tree, first time sledding. I thought it would be overwhelming to Kai to have Christmas so close to coming home, but he actually handled it all really well. He enjoyed visiting grandparents' houses for celebrations, ate special holiday meals happily, and really got into opening gifts. I think that it actually really cemented his place in our family a bit, with having his own stocking with his name on it, and getting gifts just like his siblings did.
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| Our first picture as a family of FIVE! |
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| With G.G. on Christmas Eve |
We got through all of our doctor's visits, checkups, blood work, parasite lab work and immunizations. The end result is that we have a very healthy child, which is good. We explained that he would be getting shots to make him grow big and strong, (remembering how he freaked in China), and were surprised when he agreed to it calmly. He did stipulate that he wanted one shot in each arm - I'm guessing he took "strong" literally and wanted his biceps to be equal!
I spent a lot of time "schooling" Kai with workbooks for first grade math at the school. We sat in on gym class and library time. We ate lunch with Abigail and played outside at the playground. He got very comfortable at the school well before it was time for him to start there. Kai was tested in Chinese at the local university and came out at about the first grade level in his native language.
We celebrated the New Year with some dear friends and Kai loved jumping on bubble wrap and lighting sparklers.
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| Sparklers on New Year's Eve |
After the holiday break, we started Kai in second grade. He was so nervous on the first day of school, but insisted that he did indeed want to go. He was most nervous about not being able to speak English. I worried about him too, and stayed in the building that first morning. But he did not have any problems at all, went off with a smile on his face (but was too embarrassed to allow me to hug him!). He made a good friend that first day of school and when the day was done, I heard about how well he had done and he proudly showed me his work.
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| Kai's first day of school |
The biggest scare was one day when he left school without waiting for me to pick him up at the end of the day. He had had a really good day but decided to just walk home by himself. His teacher and I were running all over the building looking for him, inside and outside, the secretary was paging him (although he would not have understood what she was saying), and eventually the principal mobilized all the staff to search outside and inside with walkie-talkies. My heart was in my throat as it hit me that I really had no idea what he might do - get on a bus, get in a car with someone, wander into the woods, or just walk away on the road. I raced home to find him on the back porch looking in the doorwall. He had knocked on the front door, rung the bell and went around back. I have no idea what his next step would have been if I had not arrived right then. So scary. The crazy thing is, he was not worried at all. I got a big "Hi Mama!" and a smile and a hug like nothing was wrong. Needless to say, I marched him back to the school (where Abigail and Paul were waiting) and we had a talk with his teacher and the principal. Yikes. I am so thankful that he was safe in my arms at the end of that day.
Language is coming along really well for him. He has about 110 words that he knows in English now, which amazes me. He is starting to lose his Chinese, which frustrates him. He chatters away at us in Chinese and then will suddenly not remember a word and just can't get it. It makes me sad that he is losing it, but I know that realistically, learning to be a family and being in school take precedence over keeping the Chinese right now. We manage to understand each other pretty well, between Chinese/English mixes and some help from pantomime and Google Translate. It's amazing to me that we know as much of what he is thinking and telling us as we do.
He is working hard in school now, and getting along pretty well with most of the kids in his class. He is cheerfully helping out at home, and eats SO MUCH. Seriously, meals that would have served our family of four twice now barely make it through one dinner. I have started to cook portions for 8 people, Kai eats so much. He doesn't make himself sick, but he is always hungry. I'm still not sure when it is that he is a growing boy and when it is stemming from not having enough food in China.
Kai doesn't really play with toys at all, even though he has his own now. Even the yo-yo that was so important to him in China has been put away and doesn't come out. Electronics are his preferred form of entertainment, as well as physical games and activities with other kids. I think toys were just not a part of his life in China. He is learning to make his own choices about things too. Something as simple as coloring a picture was foreign to him. He would just scribble all over the page. I realized at one point that he simply didn't know he could choose what color to put where on the page - he felt he needed to know exactly what color the reindeer was supposed to be. I think he had never learned it was okay to be creative. He also really struggles with spatial orientation. Something like putting a simple puzzle together completely stumps him. To draw a triangle, he draws a straight line and turns the paper for each side of the triangle. And yet this same child can make a bed so fast, sweep the floor and wipe the tables really well. He is so old and so young in so many ways.
Attachment is coming along slowly but surely. He is coming to me to get most of his needs met. He tells me things that he doesn't tell his teacher, like the fact that his socks are soaking wet from playing in the snow. He asks me for food and comes to me for affection. He also freely tattles on his brother and sister to Ryan and I! We are still getting lots of hugs and I love yous, but now they are appropriate and not so desperate. He tells us he likes being in our family and that he does not miss Xuzhou, just the food a little bit. We see his anxiety about being abandoned pop up occasionally, particularly if Ryan takes just Kai somewhere (like for a haircut). Nightmares have slowed down, but there are nights where he is very restless and yelling in his sleep. Overall, things are progressing more quickly than I had expected in attachment areas. He is starting to push and test us more - some backtalk in Chinese and sneaking around after being told not to do something, but for the most part, it's been pretty tame. I expect that to get worse before it gets better!
So there you have it, the nitty gritty about our last two months. It seems like there is so much more, but honestly my brain can't filter it all right now - I am definitely struggling with "mommy brain" more now!
I am so thankful for what God is doing in this process. We moved forward with adopting Kai out of faith, trusting that the Lord would meet our needs in it. I can honestly say that even though it has been a much harder journey than when we adopted Paul, God has been faithful. He has put the right people in my life to speak encouragement and light into the dark, fear-filled moments. He has protected our marriage in the midst of the huge stressors going on around us. We have been blessed with faithful friends who fed us for the entire first month home, and others who have literally clothed Kai with their hand-me-downs. Our family has welcomed Kai with open arms and loved on him (and the rest of us!) with grace and commitment. I never imagined that we would one day be bringing home a seven year old boy from China, and I am so very thankful to be entrusted with the gift of this precious child.
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